Is This Really The Best Place For Middle-Aged Couples?

To move or not to move: that is the question.

By
Published January 31, 2025
photo collage of couples facing images of city and single home in suburbs
Barbara Gibson

For my husband and I, first came love, then came marriage, but before the baby carriage, we decided to purchase a house in the suburbs.

As young adults, we lived in an apartment in the city. It was small but adequate for two people, and we couldn't beat the easy commute to our city-based jobs. We enjoyed the many attributes of city living — great restaurants, theater and a vibrant nightlife all within walking distance.

But we knew eventually we would want to leave the city. Having both grown up in suburban areas, we saw ourselves raising a family in a house with a big backyard and a swing set.

Relocating to the suburbs turned out to be a big adjustment, especially our new hour-long commute by train. The quietness of our new town was almost eerie. We were used to constant noise and had tons to do at all hours. Now, our only choice for a meal after 10 p.m. was to grab something at 7-Eleven.

Gradually, we acclimated to the slower pace. The absence of late-night dining options proved a non-issue once we had our first child, as we were usually exhausted and in bed well before most restaurants closed.

While the streets of our neighborhood remained quiet, our house grew louder and more boisterous with three kids. I paused my career to stay home while my husband continued to commute to the city. I met other people in our neighborhood through the kids’ various activities. We established roots in suburbia and built a life that we all enjoyed.

My husband and I didn't worry about what would be "next" for us once the kids grew up. We were too busy to think about it and that future seemed far away.

But as the kids got older and went to high school, it became a frequent topic of conversation among our peers. Some would lament that they were growing tired of suburban life. Several said, "The minute my youngest goes to college, I am selling my house and moving into the city." Others were adamant that they were staying put long after the kids left the nest. They had no desire to pick up and start over, very content with the life they had built here in suburbia.

In these hypothetical discussions, I saw myself leaning toward staying put. I couldn't picture leaving our home or the town where we had lived together for over two decades, creating many memories and connections. My husband's parents and mine stayed in the houses we grew up in long after their children had moved on, so I assumed we would, too.

But now I’m not sure. The future that once seemed so far away has arrived. Our youngest is in college. The quietness that felt eerie when we arrived in suburbia has re-emerged. Some friends (although not all) who said they would move once their kids were in college have done just that. Others are here, but less in my orbit. I don't run into people at the soccer field, supermarket or back-to-school night anymore. Staying connected now requires more conscious effort and planning.

When we bought this house, our primary reason was to find a place to raise our children. Now that we are all finished doing that, do I still belong here?

“Living in the suburbs is a great idea when you're focused on family life and want to raise your children in a safe, quiet environment,” says Dr. Michelle Beaupre, clinical director of Villa Oasis. “However, once your kids have grown up and become independent, it's worth taking a step back to consider how this suburban setting impacts your mental health over time.”

My first inclination was that suburbia is still where I feel most comfortable. The pace is slower and there is less noise and traffic. I like our home's spaciousness and still enjoy sitting in the yard on a warm day. After two decades here, I know my neighbors and have my community as well as the stores, proprietors and establishments I have frequented for decades.

But my husband has started expressing doubts. Commuting an hour each way is taking a toll on him, especially since he often works late and then turns right around to go back to the city the next day. He is also feeling a little "stuck" — we’ve been to the same places for years. He wonders if maybe it's time for something new with more energy.

As a freelancer, my office is anywhere I bring my laptop to work. And I admit, there is an allure to being in the city. I no longer need to be home for a soccer game or to drive a carpool, so I’d have more time to explore, and a city offers more to do.

“The calm atmosphere of suburbia may eventually lead to feelings of isolation and boredom, especially if you're not actively engaging with your community or connecting with others regularly,” says Dr. Beaupre. “Living in the suburbs can get pretty lonely, especially now that your kids are no longer around to keep you busy.”

Right now, I'm not sure if the suburbs are right for me. Just like when we moved to suburbia, I’ve been making an effort to connect with the community. Instead of looking for playgroups and music classes, as an empty nester, I am taking on new hobbies, embracing volunteer opportunities and making more plans with the people I have known for years.

I am also spending more time in the city with an open mind, seeing if it might eventually be a good next step (although I am wary of living there full-time since the pandemic). Admittedly, it is out of my comfort zone after all this time in suburbia, but that isn’t necessarily bad. I agree with my husband that the city's energy is enticing and contagious. It's been fun exploring it with an appreciation for all it offers at this stage of our lives.

Whether we stay in suburbia or move to the city, I've realized that there is a certain amount of rebuilding to be done. As Dr. Beaupre explains, “It’s important to keep filling up your cup with meaningful experiences and connections, even after your kids have flown the nest, so you maintain a fulfilling and happy life.”

What do you prefer — the city or the suburbs? And why? Let us know in the comments below.

Randi Mazzella is a freelance writer and journalist. Her work has appeared in numerous online and print publications The Washington Post, Next Avenue, Your Teen for Parents, SheKnows and New Jersey Family. She writes about a wide range of topics including parenting, mental health, wellness, pop-culture, teens, finance and midlife issues. She is a wife and mother of three children who inspire her every day. To read more of her work, go to randimazzella.com.