Yes, I Was The Other Woman. Here's Why I Didn't Even Know It

Never again will I give a man the benefit of the doubt.

Trunk Archive

We met in high school. He was from the rough side of town, and I wasn’t. He was shy and I was outgoing. He didn’t have a lot of friends and kept to himself. I never thought much about him since we didn’t run in the same circle, but 25 years later, we ran into each other, and he reintroduced himself.

To be honest, I didn’t even recognize him, but we ended up having a nice chat. I was newly single after a 16-year marriage, and he told me that he’d never married. He never found the right one, and he’d stay single until he found her.

We ran into each other here and there for seven years. We always had nice chats, and I felt there was a mutual attraction, although he never asked me out. I’m old-fashioned and didn’t want to make the first move, but I always kind of hoped he shared my feelings.

But he did always strike me as a little off.

I chalked it up to him being shy and introverted and told myself I was judging him for being different from me. His eyes were a little shifty, and the best way I can describe it is that he seemed like he was either hiding something or I just made him uncomfortable. After all, I’m vocal and open about a lot of things, and he was so reserved that I wondered if it was painful for him to be around someone like me.

But I enjoyed him and found him attractive. So, when he finally asked me out, I said yes. I’ve been wrong about people before and maybe I was wrong about him. At almost 50 years old, I was single and the type of men I’d gone for in the past, extroverted alpha-type men, hadn’t served me well, so why not try something different?

Maybe his quiet personality was exactly what I needed.

Our first date was casual and short — a walk around town, then a ride and coffee, nice conversation. He had a meeting he had to get to, and I didn’t think anything about that — especially since he asked me to dinner for the following week. I was excited to spend more time with him, but again, he had a reason to end the date at a certain time. He had to be somewhere again. It was a Saturday night and it struck me as odd, but I liked him. I was attracted to him, so I did what a lot of us do: I ignored my gut and figured he wanted to protect his time and take things slow.

Things went on like this for two months. Instead of meeting in public places, he mostly wanted to come to my house and hang out, which was 40 minutes away from his house. And every time he came over, he had a reason why he had to leave: a meeting with his boss, his dad needed help, he was dog sitting and didn’t want the dog in his kennel for too long. Then there were all the times he came over around dinner time and never wanted to venture out in public to get food.

I tried to be understanding, but I couldn’t ignore the voice in my head telling me that something was off. Because he seemed so sweet and shy, and he really seemed to like me, I never thought the reason for his actions could be because of another woman. I wondered if he was afraid of intimacy or afraid of getting hurt. So, I gave it time.

When I asked him why he never invited me to his house and told him I’d be more than happy to come over, he said it was because he didn’t want me driving at night. When I pushed more, he invited me over but said he'd come and get me. I told him that was ridiculous, that I could drive, but he insisted. He said it was the gentlemanly thing to do and asked if I would please just let him do it.

Honestly, after being a single mom for so long and dating men who were more interested in what I could do for them versus what they could do for me, I wondered if I’d been tainted by the selfish men of the world, so I let him pick me up and take me home since he was at a “work” meeting at seven.

But now, I know that he didn’t want my car there. He wanted to control how much time we spent together because I wasn’t the only woman in his life. He was trying to have two relationships at the same time, and the worst part was, that I kept ignoring my instincts until I couldn’t take it any longer and called things off.

I heard from the other woman a few days later. She was upset, confused and hurt, all the things that I was at times because although they weren’t married, they’d been together for years — probably since the first time I saw him after high school when he mentioned that he was single. She had no idea I existed and said having an affair was the last thing she ever thought he’d do.

“I’ve always struggled with his shyness. He’s guarded and closed off, and now I wonder if there’s always been a You. Maybe there’s always been another woman, but I ignored it to give him the benefit of the doubt.”

I’ve never been the other woman before. But I’ve also never been with a man who controlled the exact amount of time we spent together and never wanted me to drive to his house. Never again will I question myself. Never again will I give a man the benefit of the doubt. Never again will I recognize that something is off and ignore it. I don’t have to figure out what it is or try to decode his behavior. I just have to leave the situation.

Even if I don’t have all the answers or know the exact reason I’m walking away, that will always feel better than the way I felt knowing I was with another woman’s man.

Have YOU ever been the other woman? Let us know in the comments below.