My kids recently asked me, “Does everyone just get divorced?”
When I decided to divorce my husband, our children were 9 and 7 years old. I think back to the last picture taken on our front steps of us as a family. It was a photo on the first day of school with me sitting between my children. The shot captured their innocence and a turning point in each of our lives. It is a picture I have on my current to-do list to frame in our new home.
After this picture, we would transition to a shared-custody schedule and a constant stream of continually changing “new normals.”
It is important to recall how small they were that day and recognize that knowing what I know now, I would make the same decision again today.
On the cusp of turning 50 this year, I recognize how quickly life is moving. I am grateful for the years I had to shape my children in my home with my own value system. Not that I would have wished for divorce, but given the circumstances, it was the right decision.
Only the individuals living behind closed doors can make such a difficult choice for a family. When someone is contemplating leaving, we each have our (heart) breaking point of no return. Funny how the spectators are always the most surprised when the news breaks — reality is, things have been churning and burning for some time around them.
Over the past seven years, I’ve had friends share their stories, reach out on behalf of loved ones and ask for lawyer and therapist names. If it takes a year to plan a wedding, it takes that or longer to plan a well-executed divorce.
If children are involved, every detail must be perfect. I’ve seen it executed well, and I’ve even had my divorce superheroes lead the way. The heroes remain friends with their ex-spouses and share family traditions — and one couple even shares a holiday card with their former spouse and new partner.
Sure, not everyone can do that, but it’s something to appreciate. If your lens of divorce is not seeing it as a second chance at happiness, the road can prove more difficult. One must seek out small moments of love, light and even humor. Laugh as a family when you can, maintain birthday traditions and sit on the soccer field sidelines with your ex (hug and pass his newborn baby gently to the left). What else can you do? This is life.
I remember the summer afternoon we told our kids we were divorcing. We sat in the living room. It was an emotional moment full of tears. Jack instantly inquired in which house his Wii game would be located. Maddie asked if they could tell their friends the news. Afterward, the next logical step was to offer a trip out for ice cream.