They say that getting a divorce will show you who your true friends are. Vague, hurt-laden social media posts from divorcing acquaintances over the years have confirmed this to be true, as have articles that tell how some people seem to think that divorce is contagious and can spread through a social group like disease.
Since I know better than to think I’ll be an exception to any rule, when my ex and I began telling people about our impending divorce, I steeled myself against the possibility of losing a few or even quite a few friends.
But here was the problem with my attempt at preparing myself: I thought I had a good idea of which “friends” would flake and which friends were my true ride-or-dies. And, though in a lot of cases I guessed right, I was dead-wrong about a few of them.
Several acquaintances surprised me with their ghosting, and I was fine with that. Sure, it stung a little, but like I said, I had steeled myself for it. What really tore my heart out was when I found out a couple of very close friends of mine — people I’d been friends with even prior to getting married — had been hanging out with my ex-husband. We hadn’t really talked for months, but since we were right in the middle of a pandemic I hardly thought twice about it. But then the shelter-in-place orders loosened, and the Facebook posts started.
Our friends — my friends for years before they even met my husband — had installed a new deck and apparently had invited my ex-husband for a barbecue to celebrate its completion. Then another hangout two days later. Under different circumstances I wouldn’t be hurt by what on their surface are innocent social interactions. I’m not trying to claim these friends as mine and mine alone. We did hang out together as couples, after all. But the last few times I’d reached out to my friend, I’d gotten either a curt response or radio silence. I’d wondered at her abrupt responses, but I’d chalked them up to the stresses of life under lockdown. She was homeschooling her youngest and dealing with two college-age kids suddenly back in the house — of course she didn’t have time for lengthy heart-to-hearts.
But now I could see that she and her husband had clearly made time for my ex. My ex, but not me. Had he been saying things about me that would cause them to turn their backs on me? It would explain my friend’s curt responses.
I thought about calling my friend to ask what’s up. I may still. I fantasize about defending myself. I imagine telling her and her husband about the horrible things my ex-husband said and did; how he threatened to take the kids from me; when he said he was going to hide money;