Ten years ago, when my husband said he wanted a divorce, I was gutted and overwhelmed. While I didn’t know what the next chapter of my life would look like, I knew the broad outlines of what would come next: talking to a lawyer, making painful decisions about how to divide our children’s time, stuffing my wedding band into the back of my jewelry box, arguments over who should get the painting from our trip to London.
With therapy and support from friends and family — everyone knows what “divorce” means — I pieced my life back together.
Two years ago, I noticed that a close female friend was drifting away. She started brushing off my suggestions for a coffee or wine date or even a “Hey, I get it, you’re underwater. How about we try for a phone date?” I told myself she was busy, I’m busy, we’re all busy, we’ll figure something out. Eventually, when pressed, she told me that she simply no longer wanted my friendship.
Her words took me right back to the divorce but this time, I had no roadmap. No lawyer to consult. No ceremonial ring to remove. I’d keep my artwork. But this pain was as genuine as the end of my marriage.
I didn’t know how to process this kind of loss. I didn’t have a vocabulary for working through her decision with, well, friends who still liked me. I mean, we weren’t estranged; that describes rifts between family members. Breaking up is for dating.
Divorce is the legal undoing of a marriage. I simply could not find a name for what I was going through.
Being unable to label it was kind of confusing. Did we have a chance of reconciliation? Would it be weird or creepy to see whether couples counseling for friendships exists? Surely, it does, but I was ashamed to even contemplate asking her if we could work things out. I think by taking the step of formally removing me from her life, she must have really come to dislike me.
I mean, who formally dumps a friend? Platonic relationships have, of course, different frameworks than romantic ones. They lack the milestones that romance has. There’s no first kiss at the start. There is no “I want to see other people” discussion at the end. And because friendships, unlike romantic partners, aren’t exclusive, you don’t need to end one to start another: traditionally speaking, if you want a new romantic partner, you sever the connection with the existing one. But because society lets you have as many friends as you want, you don’t need to define the beginnings or ends of a friendship.