I was raised on a healthy dose of Seventeen magazine and YM (IYKYK).
Throughout my teen years, I clipped articles explaining how to be aloof around men, how to play “hard to get” and how to make sure you’re the prize of the relationship.
Armed with that knowledge, I told my then-boyfriend, now husband, that I never wanted to get married or have kids. I was an independent woman, I told him.
My little game worked, and three years after our first date, we got married. It was only after the daily marriage grind (remember to put your laundry in the hamper! Please pick up some milk on your way home! The dog needs to go to the vet!) that my understanding of a true relationship emerged.
My husband is an incredibly supportive, empathetic man. I receive daily reminders from him about how much he loves and appreciates me. He tells me I’m beautiful multiple times a day — and after we had our own daughters, he switched that mantra to: “You’re beautiful and smart.” He didn’t want to give the girls the wrong idea, that being beautiful was the most important thing.
I, on the other hand, wasn’t doling out the compliments so quickly. I mean, does he need a prize for doing the dishes? Does he deserve a soliloquy about how well he does at work?
I love him. I don’t have to compliment him when he sets the table for dinner, right?
Turns out, my ’80s way of thinking may have been, well, Mean Girl. So mean, in fact, that my sweet husband started complaining that I never tossed a compliment his way, never affirmed his achievements — even if those achievements were as small as walking the dog when it was my turn.
Perhaps my lack of affirming my husband resulted from a long line of tough women who were attempting to display their power, however misguided. But the result was a partner who started to doubt himself.
“When we affirm our partners, we highlight their strengths, celebrate their contributions, and show appreciation, which helps them feel valued and loved,” says Laura Doyle, a relationship coach, author and host of The Empowered Wife podcast.
When Doyle stopped pointing out everything her husband wasn’t doing — and instead focused on affirming his efforts — he became more attentive and affectionate.