Here Are The 5 Reasons You Aren't Having Sex

And here's what you can do about it.

By

Ann Brenoff

 
Published April 05, 2024
illustration of lips, an eye ball, and a flower, not having sex
Hanna Barczyk

Has your sex life fizzled out into a big nothing-burger? You are not alone. In fact, 36 percent of Americans in their 60s have dimmed the lights on their sex lives completely, according to the biannual General Social Survey (GSS) conducted by the University of Chicago’s National Opinion Research Center.

Here are five reasons you may have cooled your jets in the bedroom and tips on restarting those stalled engines.

Health issues and the medications you take for them.

Long-term (chronic) medical conditions such as cardiovascular disease, diabetes and obesity can harm your libido. Heck, just your general health habits — diet, exercise and how well you sleep on any given night — can affect your sex drive. Stress? Depression?

Anxiety? All those, too.

So, the first place to look for your missing libido is your doctor’s office. Make sure they review all your medications because some could be responsible for the bucket of cold water being dumped on your desire. But what pharma takes, pharma restores: The two common barriers to an active partnered sex life are vaginal atrophy in women and erectile dysfunction in men. And there are medications to treat both.

Don’t neglect a little help from over-the-counter aids. Lube matters. One such aid promoted by bestselling author and sexologist Dr. Sadie Allison is GoLove CBD Intimate Serum, designed to help pre-and post-menopausal women who experience vaginal dryness and/or pelvic and sexual pain. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists says dyspareunia (painful sex) affects three out of four women.

You think you are too old for sex.

Some nursing home residents beg to disagree. The Hebrew Home at Riverdale in New York created the country’s first sexual expression policy for a long-term care facility way back in 1995 and has promoted and protected these rights ever since.

“Age, per se, does not harm sexual desire,” said Lori Brotto, author and executive director of the Women’s Health Research Institute and director of the University of British Columbia’s Sexual Health Laboratory. What does adversely impact your sex drive, she said, is being bored in a long-term relationship.

“There is strong and compelling evidence that the longer one is in a relationship (with the same person),” she told The Girlfriend, “The more that sexual desire for that person declines.” She also added that if that individual starts a new relationship, desire will likely bounce back again.

The notion that you are too old to have an active sex life is just misguided. Brotto advocates trying mindfulness to reconnect with your partner. In other words, be present in the moment and pay attention to what you are experiencing.

Try and spice up your routines. Maybe bring in some toys.

Can we agree that for many women, desire starts in the head? Sometimes, all it takes to reawaken your sex drive is a change of scenery. Never underestimate the power of a hotel room to arouse you.

Divorce or death has left you without a partner.

Lots of people end marriages without a clue where to find new partners. Some are thrust into widowhood and never thought they would be alone. Some are depressed, angry and/or completely disinterested in getting involved with someone new. Some will stay alone. Others will heal eventually and still not know where to shop for partners.

The answer: First, figure out what you want — a committed relationship or a casual fling?

And then go shopping for it in the same place where you do most of your shopping: The Internet. Test out some dating sites, look up old friends on Facebook and make new connections on social media sites that reflect your interests — politics, cooking, books, whatever. Special note to widows and widowers: Facebook has an abundance of groups for you, including some based around the illness that stole your partner. There are plenty of social media groups that sprung up around specific interests. Just get out there.

You have a partner who is either not willing or able.

As our British friends would say, this is a much stickier wicket. You still love your partner, but there are extenuating health issues that have rendered you their caregiver. Sex may be out of the question with your ill or injured mate.

Caregivers have three choices, none of them very good: They can abandon their sick spouse (divorce), they can deny their own need for intimacy or they can outsource that need to someone else. No easy answers for this one.

You say that celibacy works just fine for you.

You claim you would rather cuddle than climax. We understand that relationships can be complicated and are almost always imperfect. But sex is good for you. Like, really, really good for you.

Research has proven that sex is good for heart health, reducing blood pressure and improving your mood and mental well-being. It also can help you sleep more soundly.

Cuddling’s nice and all, but why must they be mutually exclusive?

Have any of you lost your libido as you age? Let us know in the comments below.

Ann Brenoff is a prize-winning writer and journalist who spent most of her career at the Los Angeles Times before joining HuffPost as a senior writer/editor and staff columnist. She now  writes for AARP and other national publications and is the author of the newly published book, “CAREGIVERS ARE MAD AS HELL!: Rants from the Wife of the Very Sick Man in Room 5029. (Amazon; 2022).”