The Real Reason You Might Want To Use A Sex Toy

And it doesn't matter whether or not you have a partner.

Published December 13, 2024

illustration of glow coming from drawer of nightstand in bedroom, sex toy

Kiersten Essenpreis

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Vibrators have come a long way, baby. Two decades ago, women heard about the now-infamous Rabbit for the first time on an episode of Sex and the City. Today, you can find Bluetooth-enabled, waterproof toys with multiple settings that you can control handily from any smartphone.

“In the past 15 years, there has been a big shift in making sex toys specifically designed for women’s bodies,” says San Diego-based sexologist and sociologist Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus.

This includes the use of gentler, easier to clean materials and a focus on clitoral stimulation — something the majority of women need to achieve orgasm.

It turns out Carrie, Samantha and the rest of the SATC crew are now the perfect age to reap the benefits of this self-care revolution. While menopause doesn’t exactly seem like the ideal time to start flying your freak flag, there is scientific evidence that vibrators can help with several of the major symptoms plaguing pre- to post-menopausal women.

“This is a massive transitional time for women’s bodies,” says Dr. Gunsaullus. “If there’s a time in our lives we should start taking care of ourselves, now is that time.” Changing hormones, less natural lubrication and thinning tissues can be uncomfortable and cause sex with a partner to be painful. “Sex toys, especially vibrators, can help increase blood flow to the genitals,” she says.

A study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine suggests that regular vibrator use enhances blood flow, lubrication and overall sexual health, providing relief from dryness and improving overall sexual function and satisfaction. Certainly, it’s a more fun treatment option than hormone replacement therapy or estrogen creams. And effective, too: In a survey conducted by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, more than one-third (36.2 percent) of menopausal women said self-pleasure improved their symptoms.

Using toys can have more than just physical benefits. “If, by chance, you’re struggling with arousal or carrying shame about your body, using vibrators and masturbating is really an act of empowerment,” says Dr. Gunsaullus. “It’s about giving ourselves permission for our own pleasure.”

If you’re partnered, you can both reap the rewards. More than one in four women (28 percent) reported that their sex lives were negatively impacted by menopause-related symptoms, according to a report from the National Poll on Healthy Aging.

“It’s common in general for many women in long-term relationships to feel a drop in desire,” explains Dr. Gunsaullus. “It doesn’t mean you’re not attracted to your partner or don’t love them. If you struggle to achieve orgasm with a partner, a vibrator can sometimes make all the difference.”

Paying to Play/Browsing the Toy Store

Whether you’re single or partnered, the toughest part of adding a toy to the bedroom is deciding which one. All those technological and other advancements in the women’s pleasure industry are “nice, but can be overwhelming,” Dr. Gunsaullus says.

It helps to understand what kinds of devices are out there, how they work and what factors to consider when shopping around. Sex toys fall into several basic categories.

Vibrators remain the most classic and popular toy for women, and, as their name implies, they use a power source and vibrate to produce sensation. While most are used externally to stimulate the clitoris, there are varieties known as dual stimulators that have an internal component as well. One of these, the Crescendo 2 by the brand MysteryVibe, was actually studied as a potential treatment for vaginal dryness, with results suggesting that regular use enhanced blood flow, lubrication and overall sexual health, providing relief from dryness and improving overall sexual function and satisfaction.

Vibrators come in all shapes and sizes, from compact “bullet vibes” the size of a tube of lipstick to microphone-like “wands.” Dr. Gunsaullus recommends starting with something smaller, like a handheld vibe meant to stimulate the vulva and clitoris. She likes a hold-in-your-palm vibrator like the Lily by Lelo, a woman-owned company she says creates high-quality toys.

A more recent development in the vibrator category that has been popular is suction vibrators, which are placed on the clitoris and intended to simulate oral sex. These can also be used on the nipples. Dr. Gunsaullus says the Womanizer Liberty 2 is a reasonably priced option.

If you want to forgo vibration altogether, there are dildos made of silicone, metal and even glass. It just depends on what you feel most comfortable with, and some materials hold temperature better and are easier to clean than others.

A final category to consider is anal toys. While still fairly taboo, Dr. Gunsaullus says, “There is so much potential for pleasure. As women, we have pleasurable nerve endings that go to our vaginal area and around the anus. Sometimes, a well-lubricated finger or toy in that area can push you over to the point of orgasm.” Her only advice when exploring is to make sure whatever toy you use has a flared base so it can’t accidentally migrate or get stuck inside.

When determining what toy might be right for you, there are several factors to consider:

Materials

Look for “body-safe materials” that won’t trap bacteria or off-gas, like medical-grade silicone or glass. If you do go with silicone, know that you must use a water-based lube, not a silicone-based one that could react with the material. Dr. Gunsaullus likes the brand Sliquid.

Power Source

Rechargeable toys are more environmentally sound, but as Dr. Gunsaullus points out, “It’s the worst feeling is when you're close to orgasm and your vibrator dies. You can’t just swap in new batteries.”

Power Level

Some toys, such as Hitachi wands that plug in, are pretty powerful. While Dr. Gunsaullus recommends them for women who have trouble orgasming, they may be overwhelming for others. The sensation of different vibrators can be different, from low and rumbly to high and hummingbird-like. “Some people suggest trying it on the tip of your nose to get a feel for whether it suits you,” Dr. Gunsaullus says.

Noise

If you want or need to be discreet, or just find noise distracting, this is an important factor. Most toys are rated for their average volume. You can also search for reviews online, which may be worth the effort for the entertainment value alone.

Price

Toys run the gamut from $8 to thousands (designer toys, like handbags, are a thing).

According to Dr. Gunsaullus, you can get a decent-quality one for around $50, and it should last a few years, depending on use and upkeep.

Toys should be cleaned with soap and water after every use and thoroughly dried before storing. If you have a waterproof model that you’re using in the shower, be extra cautious that you don’t drop any lube, which can be a slipping hazard. A shower stool may be a good idea. Dr. Gunsaullus’ main safety tip? “If anything hurts, stop immediately.”

If you are trying something new with a partner, try to have fun with it and don’t put too much expectation that it needs to be a certain way. “It takes humility and courage to try new things,” says Dr. Gunsaullus. “As women age, what was working for them in the bedroom may change. It helps to be creative, curious, and playful.”

In other words, have fun with it! They are called toys, after all.

Have any of you ever tried a sex toy? Let us know in the comments below.

Jill Waldbieser is a journalist who writes about health, wellness, science, food, and parenting. Her work has appeared in The New York Times, Huffington Post, and Everyday Health, among other places. She lives in Bucks County, Pennsylvania and looks forward to becoming a crazy cat lady.